Sibling.
I can't listen to Noah Kahan anymore. "You're Gonna Go Far" came on in my car, and I had to pull over to collect myself. Every time it comes on, I'm right back two years ago, hugging my sibling outside of their new apartment, 200 miles away. I held back tears while packing their things, loading the truck and car, on that entire drive there. I wanted them to feel excited, not guilty. I was proud, their future was being built and I didn't want my sadness to take away from their excitement.
My sibling has been my best friend for 20 years (it took a few years for them to grow on me as kids). They're the person who knows me down to my bones, better than my husband does. They know all the inside jokes, the funny memories, the strangeness of our mutual childhood. They're there in nearly every important memory. I have never been prouder of them. And I've never missed someone so much.
There's always "the one who got out" when it comes to small hometowns. But there's always a counterpart.. the one who stayed. I'm the sibling that has always stayed behind. I took care of our grandmother, then our mom, as they passed. I'm the one who made sure the bills were paid, managed our dad, managed the grief, managed the quiet. I'm the one who stayed because someone had to, because I could, because I love them. I don't fault my sibling for leaving, not for a single second. As much as staying was forced on me, it was a choice I made. They deserve everything they're chasing. They deserve to grow, to see the world, to chase everything our hometown could never offer them. I never wanted them to become trapped by the responsibilities I took on.
But even with all of my pride, there’s a fear I've never mentioned to anyone. I'm scared one day they'll outgrow me. That their life will grow bigger and brighter and busier, and the sibling that used to call me when they needed to merge onto the interstate won't need me anymore. It's not jealousy or resentment, it's love that feels like grief from loving someone so far away.
But even with that fear, I can't wait to see what they accomplish. I can't wait to watch them grow into the person they're meant to be. I'll always be here to cheer them on, 200 miles, 2000 miles, or halfway around the world. Watching them grow up has been one of the best highlights of my life. I hope they know that no matter how far they go or how much they change, that i'm always going to be here. I'll always be the one who stayed, the one who loves them the very most, the one who's always a phone call away.